The Drugs don't work
by Heretic angel
Summary: This story is about drugabuse and self-mutilation. Warning: it's very dark


The drugs don't work 

This fic came out of a song , named ' the drugs don't work ' by The Verve . Great song , great band . 

Warnings : this story is about drugs abuse and self-mutilation . Know about it , been there and got over it . 

1.  

Xander Harris washed the last traces of blood of his hands , the cold water beam splashing into the sink , and his blood running into the same stream as the water , making it unpure . He cursed silently into himself as he darefully dried off his hand that he hurt only seconds before while cutting up some onions for the burgers he had been planning to make all day . Anya wasn't there , for one reason or  another , for the third night on a row . Even though he had suspicions that she actually might be dating another guy , Xander let all that past him , just as he'd done times and times before .

The cut , that ran over three fingers , scarely close to his knuckles , still hurt . But he was dazed , just as he had been the few months after Buffy's death , totally numb , with memories of the past that haunted him everywhere he went . He had even been ignoring Anya , whose feelings were beyond human understanding , and it hadn't been long before Xander had rejected her out of his life , even though they were still sharing the flat . And he was still paying for it . 

He picked up the knife and threw it into the sink , and furtherly paid no attention to it , and wiped the table clean off the onions and salad and all other vegetables that he bought to make the stuffing for his burgers . He threw the patatoes back into the bag and threw them in the room that stood known as the 'dumping place' . Beyond some other things , it also held Xander's bike , a dozen boxes with Xander's old clothes , and other things that had been with him ever since he could remember , and could not seperate from them . Anya had been human too short of a time to have such memories , and found it crazy that he collected those stuff to throw them in the dumping place afterwards . And the dumping place was also the place where he kept some of his vegetables that didn't need a fridge to keep them fresh for a short time . 

He turned on the radio and found himself in the middle of a discussion about Star Wars , whether it was based upon Tolkien's Lord of the rings or not , and in normal circumstances , he wouldn't have hesistated to join in on the duscussion , but now he switched channels and dropped himself down in the sofa an closed his eyes as he put his foot upon the table . 

He didn't have to count on the fact that Anya would be home before midnight ; and it was still hours before that , so he had the house for his own . 

His eyes were always drawn back to a particular closet , a recent purchase , and within minutes he found himself wrecked of nerves . He knew what he wanted , what he really needed . 

Anya found him lying knocked-out on the kitchen table , as she had been finding him  the past few weeks . She wasn't tempted at all to drag him to his bed , as she had tried in the beginning but instead shook her head , dropped her handbag and undressed herself on the way to her bedroom , littering her path with clothes . 

Xander woke up with a feeling he hated , but managed to wash it away with a good dash of coffee , before he went to work . Strangely enough , between all his depressions and so-called-sick- days , he had managed to keep his job , if not with great difficulty . Being a builder demanded that you kept your head with the job , and not with something else , and Xander had reconsidered to drop the job . But that meant that he was dependent of Anya ; and he wasn't in the mood to beg for money .

His car , the worthless thing , had given up service a day or so ago , so he had to rely on the public services to reach the building site which he was stationed at . The fact that the bus passed the cemetery where Buffy lay buried made the trip a mindnumbing experience  and he was tempted to call a day off at work . He didn't , eventually . 

Arriving at the site , he was immediately put to work , and that pleased him in a way . It wasn't much , just carrying wood from the one place to the other , but it put his mind off the things that he called his blues .

" He , Harris , you sure ain't looking well today . Troubles with the lady ? " 

Xander grumbled angrily as he picked up the next staple of wood to carry it around the site , ignoring the laughter that arose from the construction workers . 

                                   - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Xander Harris was home again , and found the flat abandoned . Every trace of Anya had vanished . 

" Well , it finally would've come to this in the first place . " , he muttered . He shot one nervous glance towards one of the kitchen units , where the knives were kept . 

All in a sudden ge ran up to that unit and tore the chest of drawers out , so that it's containts were shattered allover the kitchen floor .

For a moment ; Xander looked down dazedto the mess he'd made , but then kneeled down and looked at the selection of knives . His eyes moved restlessly towards the one and other , until he'd made his mind up . It was a long , sharp steak knife . Firstly hesistating , he pressed the knofe to his arm , and through thin layers of skin . The first drups of blood welled up only seconds after the cit , so he cut himself again ., this time deeper .

The blood welled up almost instantly this time , causing him to panic ; reality struck him fully in the face ; he was doing something just so not justified . 

He dropped the knife just as it had been fire , and stood up to retrieve a kitchen towel , and wound it around his arm . 

The fabric wasn't soaked through , what comforted him . The sight of blood alarmed him , awoke this little , tiny alarmbell in his head , saying ; " This is not good for you . Don't do this again . "

" But what the hell is then ? " 

The phone , in all of a sudden , rang , and it sounded unrealistic . But nevertheless , he hurried to the phone and lifted the horn off the hook . 

" Hello ? " 

" Xander , it is me . " 

There came silence . And the silence endured .

" It's Willow . Buffy's back . " 

Anger arose in him . So badly that he could've blown up his own appartement . 

" Don't joke around with me . Buffy's dead . And she's staying that way . " 

" No she isn't . " , it came from the other line . " Tare and I brought her back . " 

The next lines , and the last , sounded like a faraway dream . 

" Come over to Giles' place . Now . "

                                               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  

Xander Harris was , rather said , uncomfortable . He shifted down his chair , and looked at Buffy , who was silent herself . 

This couldn't be real . This really couldn't be real . It tempted all the rules of logica . All the rules of human nature . 

Willow saw Xander dreop his head to the table , just as if he wanted some sleep . Sensing that there wasn't something normal going on , she shook him by the shoulder . 

" Xander ? " She shook him again , and patted him on the face this time , and felt how hot his forehead was . 

" Xander ? " 

She kept shaking him , but there came no response , only shaking and moaning . Giles , who had noticed this also , well God be damned if they don't , shook Xander on his turn . 

" Xander , do you hear me ? Xander ? "

The only answer they got was a sort of moaning that couldn't be translated by words . When Buffy called his name , he started to shake unsteadily , and griffed with his fingernails over the table , grab his chair ; anything to get some feeling that he was still there . 

Giles took him in an iron embrace , whilst Willow tried to keep his feet on the ground , but she was pushed away when one of Xander's feet hit her head . 

" Call an ambulance , Buffy . Now ! Xander , you're hearing me ? " 

More moaning come , and suddenly , in an ungarded moment , Xander slid to the floor . Spike , without saying a word , sat down next to Xander , and grabbed him in an embrace even he couldn't break . 

" Listen to me . Listen to me , Xander . I want you to grab me . Feel my body . It's heavier than yours . Feel my weight . C'mon . "

When Xander moaned softly , and clawed with his hands into Spike's direction in a try to find him , Spike repeated the same thing , shoothingly . 

" Grab my body , Xand-man . C'mon . " Finally Xander managed to , and Spike was rocking him along with himself , slowly , while Xander was still having spasms , and was drooling .  

" Just listen to me voice . I'm here , and I won't leave . " 

When Spike grabbed his left arm , after he'd torn it free , he pushed up some fabric of the left arm , and noticed the two fresh cutting wounds . He hissed regretfullly , but didn't mention it . 

" Listen to me , man . I'm here , and I don't want you to leave . "

Spike heard the sirens of the alumbanche , and looked rather relieved . " Hear that ? They'll help you . " 

He moaned again . Maybe , just maybe everything was going to be okay again . And maybe things wouldn't . 

But hell , why couldn't he possibly try ? 

THE END 


End file.
